I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Randomize
