It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Randomize
