plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
