So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I am full of burrito and curiosity
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
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