Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
