They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Green mimosas i think yes
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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