you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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