I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
