I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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