So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
