apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
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