So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
