the condom got lost in my hair
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
You're a waste of cheezeits
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Randomize
