I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
