Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Randomize