dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Randomize
