Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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