My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
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