Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
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