Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
