Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Randomize