I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Randomize
