Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Randomize
