My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
i think my cat just said my name.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize