the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
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