No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
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