at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Randomize
