i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Randomize
