I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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