Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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