Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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