why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Randomize
