The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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