I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
