then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
