i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
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