We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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