How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
