the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
