Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
that was a gay-test. you passed.
with flying rainbow colors i hope!
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
Randomize
