im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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