Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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