true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
