Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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