i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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