If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
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