I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
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