Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
Can Purell be used as lube?
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
