4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
