oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
