you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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