Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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