I'm so fucking centered right now
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Randomize
