I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
