Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
