8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
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