it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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