I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
I'm having to shit out rocks
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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